My Disordered Wellness, Mom Guilt and Breastfeeding

June 29, 2018

If you are a mom who is into holistic wellness, my bet is that you either: 1- breastfed your kids OR 2- practically killed yourself trying to breastfeed your kids. 


 The downside of living our lives ‘as nature intended’ often means we take things too far or try too hard, all in the name of health. Just like when someone who eats too perfectly actually may have an eating disorder, I genuinely believe that people can have a ‘wellness disorder’ taking the lifestyle to the extreme. 


My disordered wellness was apparent through my journey with breastfeeding. I was hell bent on nursing exclusively for 6 months. I owned, not 1 not 2 not 3 but 4 different types of breast pumps. I had many supplements and herbs and have taken up to 15 per DAY to boost my ‘just enough’ milk supply. I invented lactation muffins and oat jar recipes galore to get in all the galactogugues. I've pumped at 5am and 11pm religiously, day in and day out. On my lactation consultants orders, I drank beer, which I HATE, at 8am, to change the flavor of the breast milk when my daughter was on one of her many nursing strikes. ALL IN THE NAME OF WELLNESS?!?! 


Why did I do this to myself? I think it cut deeper than wellness into the area of mom guilt. Mom guilt is this debilitating emotion that I’m doing everything wrong, that I am actively harming my children, and I personally have tons of the stuff! When my kids eat unhealthy, I have mom guilt that I am not teaching them how to enjoy healthy eating. Whenever I’m eating a salad in front of them, I have mom guilt of displaying too healthy eating and not enough balance. These are just 2 examples of the guilt I lay on myself daily, and I’m guessing many of you have a version of mom guilt as well. 


At the 5 month mark, my middle daughter remarked that she wished I didn’t have to feed the baby all the time. Now, if you follow along on my Instagram Stories you’d know that my middle daughter is certainly not lacking in the attention area! We’re always doing stuff together! However,  I ALSO wished I wasn’t feeding the baby all the time, and that’s when I decided to make a change and bought my first box of formula. 


In true, disordered wellness form, I researched every formula, comparing all the ingredients of all the formulas on the market, both domestic and foreign.  I told myself that I’m doing this for my blog and Instagram moms as well, but in truth, I did this entirely for myself.


After ordering formula, I expected life to change, but it didnt. Maybe I expected someone to call me out as a fraud, this person who talks the healthy lifestyle talk without walking the walk. This post is a sort of confessional, wondering if there are others out there who may feel the same way. 

I continue to nurse my baby and now supplement with formula instead of living my days on a pump. Life continues. As for my baby? I think she still loves me and we do still spend every second together, even if it’s not on my boobie.


Please share your own personal experiences with me as I always love to hear real mom stories. ❤️ MICHELLE 










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